Caution, radical honesty inside.

A week ago today I was sitting in Sacrament meeting listening to my fellow Charlottesville 3rd Ward members bear their testimonies, dreading that Monday was coming and thinking about the fact that I just COULD NOT bear working another day in the negative environment I'd been in for the last six months. I thought about it all during church and at the very end of the Relief Society lesson, dear Laura Herring got up to bear her testimony and she shared the scripture in Alma 32:27 and it really resonated with me...I know that this scripture is referring to reading the scriptures, mainly, but I felt like it was applicable in my situation as well because I've been stuck somewhere between desiring to believe and exercising a particle of faith when it comes to my future plans. But Sunday I got my answer. I knew what I had to do...and it definitely wasn't to waste one more day at a crappy job in my hometown.

So I decided to give it a shot...I quit my job on Monday morning and, for the first time in six months, felt happier, healthier and more free than I have in a long time...on Tuesday, I picked up and went to Arizona with Randi to visit Kaylyn and the girls, assuming that I was going to be staying out here for a month, trying to find a job. I got out here and took one look at the town and, while I really love that my sister and my nieces are here, decided that I better reevaluate a little...so I decided to make good on Plan B (that's always sort of been Plan A).

Now, lemme 'splain...for over a year I've been considering moving to Florida. Ever since I even started to consider going there as an option I've noticed that there's been an over-abundance of Florida license plates in Charlottesville...I literally see at least one every single time I'm in a car...a constant reminder. I "coulda, woulda, shoulda" gone around this time last year, but the thought of leaving Charlottesville and missing out on my brand new niece that was going to be born wasn't appealing...so I didn't leave. Turns out, Kaylyn, Derek and the girls loaded up the truck and moved to Arizona a few months after she was born anyway...so that obstacle's out of the way. So lately, the main obstacle I'd been struggling with was a sense of absolute, paralyzing FEAR. I was afraid that if I left, any of the following would happen:

- The Charlottesville 3rd Ward would cease to function properly...just kidding, this is not something I was worried about...it was more like, I wasn't sure how I'd react to not being a part of the ward (in body) anymore. For the time that I've been in it, that ward has been my social safety net and what, many times, has kept me rooted in Charlottesville. I've been fortunate to have learned some of the most valuable lessons of my life as a member of that ward. I've been part of so many fun activities and parties and the general merriment that accompanies LDS single adults. More importantly, I've seen myself and my peers rise to accept callings and face the challenges that come with being part of a brand new ward. I've seen already incredible Sunday School teachers follow the direction of the Spirit and deliver life-changing Sunday School lessons. I've seen Relief Society and Elders Quorum presidents follow the Savior in love and guide those who had strayed back to full fellowship in the gospel. I've been fortunate to see and be part of the story of many of those who were searching for the truth. I've seen them find what they were looking for in the Gospel of Jesus Christ and become part of our ward. I've seen people care for each other and serve each other tirelessly until needs were met. I've seen the Gospel of Jesus Christ at work and in action in the little blip on the map that is my hometown and it's been wonderful. I'm grateful to know that I'll have the same opportunities to serve and be a part of it whether I'm in Florida or Zimbabwe. :)

- I would miss out on something (or, more accurately, someone) that was going to happen right around the corner in Charlottesville...I just had to be patient and wait just a little bit longer...and I've been doing just that for the last 3 years, at least. Not that the last three years haven't been good and productive in other areas of my life but the whole "someone" thing still hasn't happened...and not because I haven't "done anything" with my life...as some have been so insulting and callous as to infer (yeah, I couldn't believe it either)...but because it just hasn't and that's okay. I'm not saying that it will happen when I get to Florida and I'm DEFINITELY not saying that getting hitched is my main motivation in going there because it's certainly not. I'm not one to think that getting married is the only way to define myself as a person. I've had a lot of experiences, particularly in the last 5 years or so, that have added a lot of definition, purpose and substance to my life and I only plan on increasing in each of those areas as I move on to another part of the world.

- I would fail miserably and end up in exactly the same situation as I am now, minus a measure of confidence. This has always been a fear of mine but it's never more real than when I'm standing on the ledge of a potential adventure or change. I'm working on moving past this fear and I feel like I'm actually making good progress. I've been telling myself over and over again that, of all of the decisions I could make, THIS ONE can't possibly be the one that's going to completely ruin my life. I've been telling myself that by staying in Charlottesville, I've been living Ground Hog Day (sans the comedic relief of Bill Murray) for entirely too long. I've been telling myself that there are people that I'll meet soon whose life I can affect and people who will do the same for me.

Basically, I've realized that all of the reasons/excuses I've come up with for not leaving and bettering my life are pretty lame so...throwing caution to the wind (but not without having prayed, fasted and pondered over it - for over a year, I might add) I've decided that I'm going bite the bullet and head to Florida straight from here... and I can't wait to update on my new adventures.

XO,

me